.........

i'm finding out that i'm breaking my own heart.....is that possible? i feel that it is...i'm torn... wanting to love...and not being able to trust....i know that others experience the same thing...and it's probably wrong for me to whine about this...but it's eating at me more and more everyday....i have to ween out those that i make an importance because at times they only make me an option...why give my all when they only give not even a quarter of themselves....?? that's one area i still struggle in...because i'm so trusting of others...that i don't trust them....contradicting eh???!...*sighs*.....i miss someone more than words can say..and i don't think i'll be able to move on from that fully yet....i want sit here and cry....but i don't want anyone to see my tears...i want the days back when i didn't know what tears were.....i want the days back when i didn't have to feel anything...when i didn't have to face emotional issues....that wasn't my job...but somehow now...that's all i do...i'm overly emotional maybe....and i'm stuck because i really don't have anyone to talk to about some issues that i deal with......it's so hard...i was taught to hate...and not to cry....crying was bad....is bad....but when something happens that's too much that's all i can do.....then i feel weak....but once i've let them go...i felt so much better....yet then another day comes and goes and then i start all over again with the tears....god how weak and frail i seem to be during those times.......i'm really messed up right now....and then i think of things like....people VERY close to me that have died...i never shed a tear....but when i can't face "life issues" that's all i wanna do......i'm so ass-backwards....it's amazing that i don't walk around that way.....blah blah blah...all i'm doing is whining...so i'm gonna end this right here......

Sad times..with happy memories....

so the funeral has come and gone....and things seem to be fine...the uncle came to pick us up thursday morning....it was a nice ride...got to know each other a bit more....anyhow we arrived to the church....and the first to meet us was Baby Luv....my heart goes out to her and her family....we know what it's like to lose a brother...but to his own hands...i just don't know what to think about that....anyhow...after we got in and gave our sympathy to everyone...the mom called ...said she wanted to see us..and for us to come for the night...whatever...well she came to pick us up....it was nice seeing her....the father then called us and said to be ready because he'd be there shortly to pick us up and we'd go back to the church together...when we arrived the wake service was starting...all we could do is stand there....felt kinda lost really...but we knew they needed some strength there...people to keep it together for a short time....

anyhow after the wake service...we went downstairs...i don't know how to describe it...but for once we felt like a part of a family...we were welcomed with open arms...hugs..and conversation....we got to meet more of the family...we were blown away knowing how many relatives we have......the father has at least ten brothers and sisters....then they all have like ten kids a piece...lol...then those kids have kids...and wow.....our aunt Kat...she has a two year old(our cousin Anna)...that we stuck by most of the time we were there....she's is absolutely ADORABLE!!!....she's full of smiles...and giggles...everytime we would turn away to talk to someone...she would start a fake cry to get our attention...but my heart goes out to her too...Kat was an irresponsible mother while she was pregnant with her...so sadly she suffers from F.A.S. (Fatal Alcohol Syndrome)....we just kicked back and giggled together...

well after the wake service and dinner...the father brought us back to the mothers.....immediately before we walked in the door....jada took over...why...because the mother was drinking...once again...it's got to be a nightly occurence now for her....anyhow we just went to our room we have there and tried to watch tv then eventually being so tired we tried to sleep...couldn't do so because the mother had the music blasting....so we kindly asked her to turn it down...outta respect for us...(obviously which is NONE)....but her friend started pouting like a five year old child...so we got our things together...(mind you it's probably 2:30 am or so)....and called the grandmother to come stay there....basically told the mother she's a worthless piece of shyt and that we'd never be coming back again....funny the father told us we were going to have a night with the mother because she was drinking...anyhow so we went to the grandmother's house to get about two hours of sleep....the father said he was coming early...packed up and said goodbye.....

we arrived back at the church to be greeted with more tears and hugs....got to meet more of the family..and spend more time with those that we knew or just had met...it was a sad time...yet a joyous one too....and i think it made that side of my family proud to see what kind of effort we were making to be there for them...although they never knew us growing up...there's always still time to get to know us now...they all asked that we come visit them more often and i think in due time we just might....so anyhow slightly for the moment...life is good.....

what a week/end....*mt*....

starting saturday night if i can remember right....sitting here....dinking around and listening to music...the roommate got a weird look on her face and she was like there's a dog crying....so turn the music down...i think she's tripping out....because i couldn't hear it...she said now it's gone....so i turn the music back up and she starts hearing it again...she's like you don't hear that....i was like uhhhh...no....well then the next day comes and then later on sunday evening my mom calls....asks me who "kathy clairmont" is....i said i think that's my "father's" sister....she said well her son is dead...he hung himself....well brian's sister..Baby Luv...and i are real close...so i call her up...and she was bawling on the phone....but thru her snobs she told me what happened...and said she needs me to be there for her....so we start calling around making arrangments to get back...we're going on the morning our uncle tony is taking us.....but anyway here's the weird part....sorta....ok so with the way that our culture is...Natives believe that if they hear a dog crying then that means someone has died.....so maybe it was meant for me to hear it...but i'm so outta tune with my culture that it came thru somewhere else.......we sorta scared to go....but we gotta....it just seems the right thing to do...the "father" will be here....he called and said he's looking forward to seeing us...it's hard for us to even conversate with him...i don't know...we'll see how it all goes....

jada writes

alright i dont do this much but i found this song on youtube becuz i know i dont show myself much or express some of the things that i deal with im a protector and i stand right along with my brother justin tryin to keep things in order but at times i get so tired of standing strong and feel like i need to break down and cry its not in me to do so tho becuz its not somethin familiar to me but anyway this song it makes me feel some kind of way gives me that extra strength yet i dont have no one there for me when my world feels like its fallin

well well well, it seems that things will get better. now that it seems to be coming into perspective. we working on climbing back up. we will become strong enough to do it. yet, we will avoid situations that are not healthy. i think we finally realized that harm that has been going on. there is still one issue that we are dealing with. but it will all work out in the end. it just has to. we have to keep an open mind and give the benefit of the doubt. just to let you know she does miss you.

well....i can say that this is right....i think....

Your Subconscious Self

My Result: Friendships

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your friendships. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your relationships have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may feel dissatisfied with your current circle of friends or conflicted about one of your closer friendships. Perhaps you long for more fulfilling connections, or wish that you found your friendships less draining, or more balanced. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don't feel aware of it.

Take this test >

Time....

softly confused...is that such a thing?

today is a lonely day....altho i'm never alone";)"...i still feel that way....but i think it's my fault...i seem to be isolating myself from everyone....i feel blank....empty....incomplete within....all those great feelings i was having with accomplishing things within myself and my life....seem to be no more....i allowed myself to get too involved with what people have said to me....wanting to believe everything good....what an idiot i seem to be becoming....i sit and stare off into the distance all the time....wondering....if things can be true...then i step outside my reality...and become wrapped in a fantasy....my heart feels like it's breaking...and i've done it to myself....

here's how confused i feel right now....i'm happy...i'm content at this point(this minute really)...but underneath it all i'm angry and hurt....i've opened myself up to a point that i feel extremely vunerable...i can't hide it any longer...and i need to find a positive way to deal with all this....all those things that i use to do to get myself outta this...just isn't working anymore....i need a new escape...a safe escape.....my highs and lows are extreme right now....my in's and out's are closer now than they have been in a long time....i'm hurting all of us....and i'm sorry.....

*MT* Red is used......

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



i have no where else to scream....or yell....or cry....or throw things....or break things....

so here is where i'll let it out......i'm so angry right now....i know why but i can't say.......

tears want to flow....but there seems to be none at the moment.....why why why why why??!?!

why do i do this to myself??!?!?! WHY AM I SO STUPID?!?!?!?!?! uuuuuuggggghhhh!!!!

*Silence*

It Almost Seems The Best Way To Be Right Now. Through It All. Till Time Allows Us To Speak Again. We Will Still Blog, Keep Our Thoughts Open. We Do Need Friends Right Now. And We Are Thankful For All Those That Have Truly Been.

*Silent*

It is wonderful how people like to play games and keep things from us. Not realizing that we see through the lies and secrets. We have been so manipulated throughout our entire life that we see the truth through anything. Yes there are times that we make a choice to deny it sometimes only because we don't want to feel any sort of pain. but the light has been shining brighly on those that have put themselves in the spotlight. WARNING: our guards are up and stand ready to defeat you and put you back in place.

Oh the days....

our days really haven't been any easier than when we blogged last....now everyone is all pissed off at us because we said the wrong thing...NEVER have i ever gotten upset about this type of situation with them...but i can only take so much...and allow it to go so far...the brother (jodi) said that they needed to relax and cool out abit on the teasing part....they were like oh she knows we're only joking....he said joking or not...she might laugh and smile right along with you..but you really don't know how she feels afterwards....him and i had a talk about it tonight..and i'm glad that i was finally able to let him know how i was really feeling about the situation...but that doesn't mean it's going to change their attitude towards me...anyway as far as anything else i think i put up in a very confusing situation....which is still closed to details for the time being...or at least til i realize what i big mistake i might be making.....

i know that i've started to learn out to love myself and the others within....i've learned how to be open about the person/s that i am...the person/s that i obviously was meant to be....yet i've learned that people like to think that i use this as a crutch...holding on...just so i have to have to be strong enough to deal....what they don't realize is that THEY ARE MY STRENGTH!!..and they're the ones that keep this body going right now....all in all...people like me are semi-blessed to be dealing with this...yet at times it feels like a HUGE CURSE because of the other crap we have to go through in dealing with this way of survival.....i'm still growing and still learning more about myself...and yes i'm going to slide backwards and revert into old ways...but isn't that how we come to learn more about ourselves?!

anyway...we have been working for quite a while now...longer that planned but that's a good thing...we're on our own and are able to support ourselves for once and not having to rely on anyone...we have had some troubles at work..but we don't keep our voices silent...we speak up when we feel like we're being treated unfair at the job....funny....WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT ON AN EVERYDAY BASIS WITH EVERYONE!?!?!?!.....oh well...just wanted to blab for a bit....

i honestly can't do this anymore...i feel like i'm stuck...where i'm at and where i stay i can't have my own opinion and everyone thinks that it's ok to joke on or about me.....but i sit here with a smile and laugh and act like it's ok...they don't see everything that's wrong...and then when i speak up for myself...my "friends/family" get mad at me because i'm finally trying to say something...but when it comes down to it when others besides them try to say something...that's when they have an opinion...i know it's fukked up...and i try to say how wrong it is...but they always think that i'm wrong..i NEVER tell them what to say or how to feel....why is it they feel the need to say something????!!!! i treat people the way i want to be treated....which is with respect and honor...but ...all the time i feel like i'm disrespected....i want to be on our own...but certain curcumstances in life doesn't allow me to be....maybe the one that i truely care for is right...i do need to be on my own...and away from the way that people treat me bad...but i'm scared at the same time...why am i singled out because i'm different???? because i don't follow the crowd?? is it the same for others???????? i try to pretend that i'm happy but deep within i know we're not....so now i just wanna run...i just wanna disappear and wonder what they'll think if i'm gone...fukk i can't get away from shyt no matter where i go....i'm so tired...tired of fighting...tired of trying to fit in...bytch my fukkin name is on all the bills here...i pay the shyt...but i have to listen to you??!?!?! HELL FUKKIN NO!!! if you want it the way you want it...then YOU do something....fukk this ..i gotta be thru!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sj rambles a few lines...

so there must come a time when you have to open to people right? i mean after knowing them for so long right....because if you remained closed with them too much...it could be possible that you just might lose them forever?......oh well..what a week it has been...so many things have gone on...and i'm feel like i'm starting to lose myself ....again.....but i'm learning to be happy with my struggles and fights...because they always teach me something new...but i'm getting so tired of running the same way....i mean my life is better finacially and physically...but emotionally and spiritually i feel broken in a sense....i've been fighting a lot against myself lately and i can't seem to tell if it's helping me or hurting.....i guess only time will tell....
Sj....

i don't understand why won't it just let me go? why does it always have to hold on? it's like a sickness that's incurable. i get locked up and tormented with it all. people see me they see the horrid things they just stare look through a two way mirror and shrug their shoulders. am i really that bad? has it caused me to be rejected forever? i need to be free from it all. just let it all out. break all these windows and release every torment . i get told no it's not time yet. well when will it be time? i've dealt with most of the pain, just let me let it ALL go. i hide in the corner and hope that it doesn't see me. but it just hovers over me. a big black cloud laid out playing every scene that i don't need or want to remember. i'm sorry for all that i have seen but it wasn't my fault! oh please please please.



stripped of all that once remained

locked and tormented making me play your sick game

covered in darkness with shades of gray

stop please stop is all that i can say

Just another day in the life of

Us/never will be dealt a light hand/things go up and always come down/oppurtunity looks but doesn't knock/hope rises then fails to give breath to all dreams/happiness overflows just to be drained in an instant and filled with sorrow and despair/smiles rise upon our face just to be turned into a constant frown/laughter fills the room just to be over powered by dreaded cries/thoughts run wild and emotions hit the sky/asking whatever may be out there when will it be all ok and time for us to just be/light is returned but suddenly taken over by darkness/newly gained strength is lost to old weaknesses/love is found and sent but never returned/every step foward that is made collapes sending us into a slide backwards