Time....

softly confused...is that such a thing?

today is a lonely day....altho i'm never alone";)"...i still feel that way....but i think it's my fault...i seem to be isolating myself from everyone....i feel blank....empty....incomplete within....all those great feelings i was having with accomplishing things within myself and my life....seem to be no more....i allowed myself to get too involved with what people have said to me....wanting to believe everything good....what an idiot i seem to be becoming....i sit and stare off into the distance all the time....wondering....if things can be true...then i step outside my reality...and become wrapped in a fantasy....my heart feels like it's breaking...and i've done it to myself....

here's how confused i feel right now....i'm happy...i'm content at this point(this minute really)...but underneath it all i'm angry and hurt....i've opened myself up to a point that i feel extremely vunerable...i can't hide it any longer...and i need to find a positive way to deal with all this....all those things that i use to do to get myself outta this...just isn't working anymore....i need a new escape...a safe escape.....my highs and lows are extreme right now....my in's and out's are closer now than they have been in a long time....i'm hurting all of us....and i'm sorry.....

*MT* Red is used......

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



i have no where else to scream....or yell....or cry....or throw things....or break things....

so here is where i'll let it out......i'm so angry right now....i know why but i can't say.......

tears want to flow....but there seems to be none at the moment.....why why why why why??!?!

why do i do this to myself??!?!?! WHY AM I SO STUPID?!?!?!?!?! uuuuuuggggghhhh!!!!

*Silence*

It Almost Seems The Best Way To Be Right Now. Through It All. Till Time Allows Us To Speak Again. We Will Still Blog, Keep Our Thoughts Open. We Do Need Friends Right Now. And We Are Thankful For All Those That Have Truly Been.

*Silent*

It is wonderful how people like to play games and keep things from us. Not realizing that we see through the lies and secrets. We have been so manipulated throughout our entire life that we see the truth through anything. Yes there are times that we make a choice to deny it sometimes only because we don't want to feel any sort of pain. but the light has been shining brighly on those that have put themselves in the spotlight. WARNING: our guards are up and stand ready to defeat you and put you back in place.

Oh the days....

our days really haven't been any easier than when we blogged last....now everyone is all pissed off at us because we said the wrong thing...NEVER have i ever gotten upset about this type of situation with them...but i can only take so much...and allow it to go so far...the brother (jodi) said that they needed to relax and cool out abit on the teasing part....they were like oh she knows we're only joking....he said joking or not...she might laugh and smile right along with you..but you really don't know how she feels afterwards....him and i had a talk about it tonight..and i'm glad that i was finally able to let him know how i was really feeling about the situation...but that doesn't mean it's going to change their attitude towards me...anyway as far as anything else i think i put up in a very confusing situation....which is still closed to details for the time being...or at least til i realize what i big mistake i might be making.....

i know that i've started to learn out to love myself and the others within....i've learned how to be open about the person/s that i am...the person/s that i obviously was meant to be....yet i've learned that people like to think that i use this as a crutch...holding on...just so i have to have to be strong enough to deal....what they don't realize is that THEY ARE MY STRENGTH!!..and they're the ones that keep this body going right now....all in all...people like me are semi-blessed to be dealing with this...yet at times it feels like a HUGE CURSE because of the other crap we have to go through in dealing with this way of survival.....i'm still growing and still learning more about myself...and yes i'm going to slide backwards and revert into old ways...but isn't that how we come to learn more about ourselves?!

anyway...we have been working for quite a while now...longer that planned but that's a good thing...we're on our own and are able to support ourselves for once and not having to rely on anyone...we have had some troubles at work..but we don't keep our voices silent...we speak up when we feel like we're being treated unfair at the job....funny....WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT ON AN EVERYDAY BASIS WITH EVERYONE!?!?!?!.....oh well...just wanted to blab for a bit....

i honestly can't do this anymore...i feel like i'm stuck...where i'm at and where i stay i can't have my own opinion and everyone thinks that it's ok to joke on or about me.....but i sit here with a smile and laugh and act like it's ok...they don't see everything that's wrong...and then when i speak up for myself...my "friends/family" get mad at me because i'm finally trying to say something...but when it comes down to it when others besides them try to say something...that's when they have an opinion...i know it's fukked up...and i try to say how wrong it is...but they always think that i'm wrong..i NEVER tell them what to say or how to feel....why is it they feel the need to say something????!!!! i treat people the way i want to be treated....which is with respect and honor...but ...all the time i feel like i'm disrespected....i want to be on our own...but certain curcumstances in life doesn't allow me to be....maybe the one that i truely care for is right...i do need to be on my own...and away from the way that people treat me bad...but i'm scared at the same time...why am i singled out because i'm different???? because i don't follow the crowd?? is it the same for others???????? i try to pretend that i'm happy but deep within i know we're not....so now i just wanna run...i just wanna disappear and wonder what they'll think if i'm gone...fukk i can't get away from shyt no matter where i go....i'm so tired...tired of fighting...tired of trying to fit in...bytch my fukkin name is on all the bills here...i pay the shyt...but i have to listen to you??!?!?! HELL FUKKIN NO!!! if you want it the way you want it...then YOU do something....fukk this ..i gotta be thru!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sj rambles a few lines...

so there must come a time when you have to open to people right? i mean after knowing them for so long right....because if you remained closed with them too much...it could be possible that you just might lose them forever?......oh well..what a week it has been...so many things have gone on...and i'm feel like i'm starting to lose myself ....again.....but i'm learning to be happy with my struggles and fights...because they always teach me something new...but i'm getting so tired of running the same way....i mean my life is better finacially and physically...but emotionally and spiritually i feel broken in a sense....i've been fighting a lot against myself lately and i can't seem to tell if it's helping me or hurting.....i guess only time will tell....
Sj....

i don't understand why won't it just let me go? why does it always have to hold on? it's like a sickness that's incurable. i get locked up and tormented with it all. people see me they see the horrid things they just stare look through a two way mirror and shrug their shoulders. am i really that bad? has it caused me to be rejected forever? i need to be free from it all. just let it all out. break all these windows and release every torment . i get told no it's not time yet. well when will it be time? i've dealt with most of the pain, just let me let it ALL go. i hide in the corner and hope that it doesn't see me. but it just hovers over me. a big black cloud laid out playing every scene that i don't need or want to remember. i'm sorry for all that i have seen but it wasn't my fault! oh please please please.



stripped of all that once remained

locked and tormented making me play your sick game

covered in darkness with shades of gray

stop please stop is all that i can say

Just another day in the life of

Us/never will be dealt a light hand/things go up and always come down/oppurtunity looks but doesn't knock/hope rises then fails to give breath to all dreams/happiness overflows just to be drained in an instant and filled with sorrow and despair/smiles rise upon our face just to be turned into a constant frown/laughter fills the room just to be over powered by dreaded cries/thoughts run wild and emotions hit the sky/asking whatever may be out there when will it be all ok and time for us to just be/light is returned but suddenly taken over by darkness/newly gained strength is lost to old weaknesses/love is found and sent but never returned/every step foward that is made collapes sending us into a slide backwards