.........

i'm finding out that i'm breaking my own heart.....is that possible? i feel that it is...i'm torn... wanting to love...and not being able to trust....i know that others experience the same thing...and it's probably wrong for me to whine about this...but it's eating at me more and more everyday....i have to ween out those that i make an importance because at times they only make me an option...why give my all when they only give not even a quarter of themselves....?? that's one area i still struggle in...because i'm so trusting of others...that i don't trust them....contradicting eh???!...*sighs*.....i miss someone more than words can say..and i don't think i'll be able to move on from that fully yet....i want sit here and cry....but i don't want anyone to see my tears...i want the days back when i didn't know what tears were.....i want the days back when i didn't have to feel anything...when i didn't have to face emotional issues....that wasn't my job...but somehow now...that's all i do...i'm overly emotional maybe....and i'm stuck because i really don't have anyone to talk to about some issues that i deal with......it's so hard...i was taught to hate...and not to cry....crying was bad....is bad....but when something happens that's too much that's all i can do.....then i feel weak....but once i've let them go...i felt so much better....yet then another day comes and goes and then i start all over again with the tears....god how weak and frail i seem to be during those times.......i'm really messed up right now....and then i think of things like....people VERY close to me that have died...i never shed a tear....but when i can't face "life issues" that's all i wanna do......i'm so ass-backwards....it's amazing that i don't walk around that way.....blah blah blah...all i'm doing is whining...so i'm gonna end this right here......